Ice Bucket Challenge

Facebook Parenting For The Troubled Teen

A couple years ago, a father who was very upset about his daughter posting an offensive message about him on facebook decided to take revenge on her by shooting his laptop with his revolver and posting the video of it on the social media networks to get his point across. 

It was a serious incident, but it took the internet by storm causing an uproar on the social network scene.  Definitely caused some controversy.  several people since have created parodies of the video.  What you are about to see is my own parody of it.  Enjoy!

Facebook Parenting For The Troubled Teen

“I love Big Bird - But He’s Got To Go”

A few weeks ago during the first 2012 presidential debates, Mitt Romney said we should cut out funding for PBS even though he liked Big Bird.  Last week while in Little Rock with my mom, I was reading the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, and I saw an editorial that I thought was very funny so I thought I would share it on my blog.  I’m not too sure who the cartoonist was.  I do have some other comics and editorials over the years I have enjoyed enough to clip out also that I will eventually share when I find them.  maybe even put them in there own blog posting and facebook album as well when I find them.

How Big Bird won the first presidential debate of 2012 | The Ticket - Yahoo! News

I didn’t watch the debate but heard bits about it on Fox News this morning.  This was one I heard about on there and thought it was kind of funny - and Mitt Romney makes a very valid point: PBS gets donations from it’s viewers so why in the world is it one of America’s millions of subsidies?  I’m all for PBS but people should donate to it out of the kindness of their hearts, not by force.  Where is it in our US constitution does it state we have to pay for all the subsidies?

To the list of "unlikely subjects of political discussion, 2012," please add one beloved "Sesame Street" character. The 8'2" bird entered the conversation at Monday's first presidential debate in Denver, Colorado, when Republican candidate Mitt Romney answered a question about what he would cut from federal spending. He included the federal subsidy to PBS, which broadcasts "Sesame Street."

How Big Bird won the first presidential debate of 2012 | The Ticket - Yahoo! News

Singing Through My Nose (parody of “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door”)

When I used to work at Wal-Mart I was talking to a friend of mine and I was telling him how back in Jr. High and High School I used to write a lot of parodies.  We got to talking about Bob Dylan and his nasally singing voice (no offense to Dylan or his fans - I’m a big fan of Bob Dylan’s also) so I thought I’d write this parody poking fun at Bob Dylan’s voice.

SINGING THROUGH MY NOSE

VERSE:
Ma, take this mic away from me
I can’t sing this anymore
It’s getting hard, too hard to sing
I think I’m singing through my nose!

CHORUS:
Sing, sing, singing through my nose
Sing, sing, singing through my nose
Sing, sing, singing through my nose

VERSE:
Ma, put my guitar in the ground
I can’t keep the beat anymore
That big black anvil is coming down
I think I’m singing through my nose!

CHORUS

Livin’ Here In Harrison (parody of “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd)

 

(VERSE 1:)
Boredom is seekin' in
Sunday all spent to see my kin
Hearin' songs about depression
I miss Phoenix once again
And I think it's a sin, yes!

Well I heard why some people move here
Well, I heard to get away from the city
Well, I hope they all will remember
A city man don't need to be here anyhow

(CHORUS:)
Livin' here in Harrison
Where the stores close at five
Livin' here in Harrison
Where there's nothing at all to do!

(VERSE 2:)
At Wal-Mart we all go hang out
There ain't nothing else here to do, boo hoo hoo
Leavin' here does not bother me,
Does me leavin' bother you?
Tell the truth!

(CHORUS:)
Livin' here in Harrison
Where hillbillies live
Livin' here in Harrison
Where there's cars up on blocks!

(RAP:)
Yo, Yo, Yo
I'm livin' here in harrison -
not a place to have any fun.
So many people around here own guns and they go hunt.

This town so boring,
That I spend every morning sittin' at home
And never answering the phone.

This town causes so much depression,
it makes a person go in regrettion.
And you see a lot of 100 year old traditions!
And a lot of redneck and hillbilly additions!
And a lot of confederatism
and a little bit of unneccessary racism!

This town don't go with the times,
Why do you think ever place closes at 5?
And makes Wal-Mart the only place open?
And I see a bunch of cowboys ropin'?
Nothing to do, so I'm just lophin' around!
not ever bein' proud to live here,
I gotta get out!
So sick and tired of livin' here in boredom land!

(CHORUS 2X)

CRAP AT WALMART

 

CRAZY INSANE?
OR INSANE CRAZY?
YOU SAY I’M LAZY
BUT YOU JUST CRAZY
YOU THE ONE LAZY!
BETTER YET, YOU JUST INSANE!

THE ONLY WAY I STAY SANE IS MY MUSIC.
THE ONLY THING A FEW GET.
THIS RAP MAY BE CRAP, BUT I SPEAK THE TRUTH.
WHILE ALL YOU FOOLS HATIN’ ON ME, HOLLERIN’, “TRUCE,
     TRUCE!”
BUT I AIN’T BOUND TO SIGN NO FUCKIN’ TREATY, WHY?
BECAUSE ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS ARE ALL JUST
      GREEDY!
WISH LIFE HERE WAS LIKE A HOLOGRAM, AND JUST IN 3D!
I FEEL LIKE I’M IN JAIL 24-7
WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE RELEASE ME?
PLEASE FREE ME!

WALMART, DON’T YOU START
YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT CARTS I LEAVE.
PLEASE!
YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT TRASH I LEAVE.
BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU AIN’T GOT A CLUE WHAT’S
     HIDDEN UP MY SLEEVE!

I KNOW BETTER.
I LEAST KNOW YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING,
   ANYTHING.
FOOLS BETTER BE LUCKY I DON’T SING.
AND WHEN I SCREAM, I’LL MAKE YOU DEAF
AND THAN MAKE YOU CONFESS THAT THE LOT ISN’T
    THAT BAD.
I THINK IT’S SAD.
YOUR BRAIN THINKS THE WAY IT DO!
YOU MAKE ME SO MAD.
THINK I’MA STICK YOUR HEAD TO THE WALL WITH SUPER-
      GLU!

YOU SAY I’M LAZY
BUT YOU JUST INSANE
YOU MIGHT THINK I’M CRAZY
BUT I’M JUST INSANE TRYIN’ TO STAY SANE

I BE STANDIN’ BY THE DAMN DOOR
AND I BE GETTIN’ SO DAMN BORED
WHAT AM I HERE FOR?
I’M JUST STAYIN’ POOR!

AIN’T NO WAY NOBODY SHOULD BE REPPIN’ THE W.M.T!
I HAVTA GO PEE,
THINK I’LL GO ON THE STORE’S FLOOR!

YOU MAY SAY I’M CRAZY
YOU MAY SAY I’M INSANE
NO, I’M INSANE CRAZY, CRAZY INSANE
JUST TRYIN’ TO STAY SANE
BUT IT AIN’T HAPPENIN’
AND I JUST SLAPPED MR. PHIPPS AGAINS!
OH, HERE COMES LARRY, NEED TO SHUT MY TRAP AGAIN!
THANK GOD THESE TWO AIN’T MY KIN!

YOU MAY PLAY THIS RECORD ON YOUR STEREO
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE THE STYLE
YES IT’S A SONG INFLUENCED BY EMINEM,
NO I DON’T MEAN THE CANDY,
I MEAN THE RAPPER, G!
SOMEDAY I HOPE TO GET AWAY FROM THE W.M.T
     AND BE BIGGER THAN HE!

(WALMART’S GONNA SUE ME!)

Jeremy Diss

 

(During my early 20s, I lived the wigger-wannabe lifestyle and wrote a few raps during this period of my life and I used to work for walmart.  one of my co-workers there bet me thinking they could write a better rap, I apparently won because he never wrote one - this is what I wrote for the contest)

(VERSE 1:)
U SPIT OUT LINES SAYIN' I WREAK O' SUCK-O-CITY
WHILE I SPIT OUT RHYMES SAYIN' U WREAK O' GENEROSITY
IF U CAME TO MY CITY,
U WOULDN'T B DISSIN' PEOPLE LIKE ME
I'M SORRY JEREMY,
BUT DAT'S DA WAY IT HAS GOT TO BE
U AIN'T NUTTIN' BUT A MANAGER WANNABE
U THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?
HA!  WE'LL SEE!
U THINK U GOT RHYMIN' SKILLS?
GET REAL,
CUZ I DON'T FEEL YA!
U MITE MARRY A BITCH TRAMP NAMED CICILLIA!

(VERSE 2:)
U ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF
U CAN'T EVEN PUT THE FREIGHT ON THE SHELF
TELLIN' ME DAT I'M TOO SLOW
AND DAT I CAN'T FLOW
SO?
I KNOW THA TRUTH
I MAY STOCK THA JUICE
AND MOST TIMES I GET DONE BEFORE U
SO U BEST QUIT FRONTIN' IF U KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD 4 U

(VERSE 3:)
YOU'RE SINGIN'S 2 BAD 2 HEAR
WHAT?  U THINK WE'RE GLAD 2 HEAR?
NO, WE'RE MAD TO HEAR
WE DON'T WANT U 2 SING 2 US IN HERE
GO OUT THERE!
U DISS ME CUZ I CAN'T DRIVE
SO WHAT
AT LEAST I TAKE PRIDE TO WHAT I DO
Y DON'T I DISS U 4 DAT TOO
U DON'T TAKE PRIDE IN WHAT U DO.
YOUR ZONIN'?
IT WREAKS, IT STINKS, IT EVEN SCARES THE FREAKS
I THINK U NEED 2 C A SHRINK

(VERSE 4:)
U LIKE A JOCK & A PREP
NUTTIN' WORSE THAN A JOCK & A THREAT
U TELL ME I WREAK AT EVERYTHING
DAT I AM NON-TALENTED
DAT I DON'T HAVE ANY SKILLZ TO PAY ANY BILLS
YOUR PEOPLE AND I JUST DON'T GET ALONG
THEY ALL THINK I'M ALL WRONG
WHEN 4 REAL I'M RITE
DAT'S WHEN I TELL 'EM ALL TO BITE ME
'CUZ WHO IS DA ONE
WHO WANNABE RAPPER M.C?
BY GOD I THINK IT BE ME
DA G 2 DA C
SO JEREMY, REMEMBER
CUZ 20 YEARS FROM NOW U AIN'T GETTIN' MY MON-EY
CUZ U HAVE REALLY BEEN DIS-SIN ME
NOW U HAVE TO CONFESS DAT I WON THIS 'LIL CONTEST
SO U BEST QUIT BEIN' A PEST AND GIMME MY 20!

CAR BASH '99

In high school we had this thing every year called the Street Jam. One of the events at the Street Jam was called the Car Bash)

Yo, We are all fans of the Street Jam!

Oh, man!

Hot Damn!

There's gonna be a car bash at this year's Street Jam, 1999!

It's all free.

You don't have to pay a dime or a fine as a fee!

I got to pee!

Get to key the car up,

Beat the fuck out of it,

Throw it in the LA tar pits,

Tear it into bits,

Thrash it, trash it,

Flash it, bash it,

Crash it, slash it,

Mash it, smash it,

Take a sledgehammer and beat the shit out of it,

Rent it out to someone who pouts and shouts as a rent-a-wreck!

Do you watch "Star Trek?"

Wait a minute,

What's that have to do with anything?

Blow out the tires, bang bang bang!

Let me do my own thing!

It's the Car Bash '99!

Anyone got spray paint?

I'm high, I think I'm gonna faint!

No one will be my mate,

So beat the shit out of this car!

And then I'll throw it in the street and watch it get beat!

I ate some meat!

Other cars ran over it a bit,

The end, my friend!

Funny Jokes

I wrote these jokes back in 1999 when I was still in high school and immature.  I read them again about 13 years later (in 2013) and realize some of the ones referring to historical events probably aren’t even accurate, since I learned more about those events as I got older, lol. I apologize in advance  if these jokes might offend anybody who eventually reads this post.  I post a lot of older stuff on my blog for posterity and for others to enjoy, but it doesn’t necessarily say that’s how I act or believe anymore as I get older.  Enjoy!

 

Mr. Robinson (Eddie Murphy) Walks in his apartment and talks about today's episode. "Hello boys & girls, today we're gonna learn how to go down chimneys dressed like Santa Claus and put wrapped up dog shit under the christmas tree, and how to put crack, pot, LSD, Shrooms, cigarettes, alcohol, Poppies, and drug paraphanalia in the stockings, then after that we'll learn how to raid the food in the fridge and take some radios and TVs and some VCRs that aren't ours, like taking milk & cookies.

 

. The Menandez children just got there own TV show entitled: "Life With Menandez." There first episode is entitled "Hey boys and girls, hate you damn parents cause one's abusive and the other's no help? Well you're watching the right show, because today we'll show u how to kill your parents, lie about it, take your parents money and buy stuff, and then go to court 6 years later.

 

. Charles Manson is being interviewed by Ted Coppel: "I love to kill people for a living. I either shoot them or stab them. If you want to be a serial killer call this number 1-900-murder-me."

 

. Michael Jackson promoting a new song off a future album: "I'm not a faggot, it's just that I'm a sweet transvestite and love it so much, just another Ru Paul!"

 

. Jeff Foxworthy on his trademark: "If you listen to me you might be considered a redneck, if your dog is loose you're a redneck, if you're a faggot you're a damn transvestite, give me a gun so I can blow your head off!"

 

. OJ Simpson interview with Barbara Walters: "I didn't kill no one because I'm an ex-football star and so whatever I do is innocent except for when I killed Nicole and Ronald, so as long as nobody knows I'll be free, finding women and killing them."

 

. David Letterman's top 10 reasons to watch his show:

10. Because there's nothing else on

9. Because Jay Leno eats too many Doritos

8. OJ Simpson's trial is over

7. To see me smoke my cigar

6. Because I'm funny

5. You'd actually wanna watch Oprah Winfrey like Peg Bundy?

4 Arsenio Hall retired

3. I've been doing the show ever since the 1970s

2. You didn't know there was a so called show

1. If you don't I will shove a bomb up your ass and blow you away.

Prostitutes (parody of “Waterfalls” by TLC)

 

(1)Your girlfriend's goin' out for the night
so you think it's fun to pick up on someone!
If at anytime you do this she'll be
leaving your side!
'Cuz you don't realize that it hurts her so much!
But all the yellin' just ain't helping at all!
'Cuz you can't seem to stop
pickin' up on someone
so you go out and find people on the street
to give money to the fastest way you know how!
Another person getting AIDS!

(Chorus:)Don't go chasing prostitutes!
Please stick to the girlfriends
that you're used to!
I know that you're gonna have it
your way or nothing at all,
but I know you'll get AIDS if you do!

(2)Hugh Grant has a natural obsession
for prostitutes but he just can't see!
That lady gave him lovin' that his body
could handle
but all he could say is, baby, there's a
cop out there!
And next thing he knows, he's put in jail!
Then he doesn't recognize what he did!!
His career is fading & he doesn't know why
11 letters gave him another film,
y'all don't hear me!

(Chorus)

(Spoken:)(M:)Hey, baby, how's it goin'?
(W:)Good.  I'm so horny for you!
(M:)I'm horny for you too!
(W:)Will you take me home with you?
(M:)Sure thing!  Get in my nice car!
(W:)That'll be $100 the 1st hour!
(M:)Fine with me!

(Chorus)

OLD FORD PINTO

 

(1)
I've got an Old Ford Pinto that's painted in gold.
I've got an Old Ford Pinto because I'm poor!
It's the crummiest car so it can't go far.

(Bridge1:)
I kicked it the other day and I have to say
"The bumper came off, yes it just popped off!
the bumper came off, yes it just popped off!
the bumper came off, yes it just fell off!"

(2)
I've got an Old Ford Pinto because it's all I could afford!
I've got an Old Ford Pinto because I'm poor!
It's the crappiest car, so it can't drive far!
I kicked it the other day
and I have to say,

(Bridge2:)
"The wheel came off, yes it was a bad deal!
The wheel came off, yes it just fell off!"

(3)
I trashed that Old Ford Pinto and I bought a Chevy S10,
and it runs pretty good, just look under the hood
if you could, but I think you should.
and I know you would.
That truck didn't cost a buck, in fact it cost 16000,
in fact it weighs 3 tons, man!
I kicked it the other day, and I have to say,
"Nothing came off!  Yes it's the best truck!
Nothing came off!  Yes it's a good truck!"
Ford Pinto's suck!  Yes they do!
You're a fool if you buy one!
I kicked it, oh yes it fell apart!
Oh yeah, I kicked it, it came apart!

(I LIVE IN A) 2 STORIED CARDBOARD BOX

(note: this is another joke I wrote)

 

One day I passed an old shack
with a sign in front of it saying
"Shack Records, record all you want for a buck."
So I decided to go on in
and try out my crappy sound.
So I went on in, put on the fallin' apart headphones
and I came up with this song.

(verse:)
All I could afford is a buck
so I can't even buy a duck
unless it's rubber!
I have a job on the street,
and my feet have no shoes!
Every time I'm finished on the
street, I go home to a

(chorus:)
2 story cardboard box!
Yes, I live in a 2 storied cardboard box!

(verse:)
It's wallpaper is toilet paper,
it's skylight is a little piece of glass,
it's front door is a door I ripped off that Ford Pinto
that rammed into my 2 story cardboard box
just the other day!

(Chorus)

(verse:)
I drive a store cart
with a cardboard sign on it that says,
"This is a Ferarri, don't touch it!"
Every day I drive it home
to my 2 story cardboard box!
(Chorus)

(verse:)
Now the 1st story is
when you're sitting down
the 2nd is when you're standing in my little
2 story cardboard box
decorated in toilet paper
with the store cart parked in the
collapsable garage, to drive later,
oh yes!

(Chorus)

So don't feel sorry for me
let me do it myself!

(Chorus)

(A DAY IN THE LIFE) OF A PICKED ON KID

 

(note: this is another joke I wrote.  I wrote it during my days I used to work at Harp’s)

At 6 my clock goes off!
I wake up, take a bath, get dressed
and nothing else!
I sit around staring out the window
for the next hour!
I'd then walk to school with 5 bags!
1 named George, 'nother named Bob, 3rd named Fred, 4th named Billy, 5th named Drop Dead Fred!
I got to school!
I hear people laughing at me behind my back!
I don't care!
I'm such a dwork,
People pick on me!
At 6 I go to work,
you know who I am, who are you?
I'm a courtesy clerk, you know that!
So you purposely make a mess & I'd have to clean it!
I'm busy dang it!
I'm tryin' to stock bread
leave me alone!
You just take all the carts to make me mad
now I'll have to bust you!
No punks allowed in this store!
you piss all over both the bathrooms, so guess what I do now?
I have to clean the bathrooms!
QUIT PICKING ON ME!
I suck at everything
YOU HATE ME!
I make you mad purposely because
YOU CAN'T STAND ME!
I'm movin' to a different town man,
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND ME!

NEWSPAPER DELIVERY BOY

 

Woke up in the mornin' at 3, sayin' to myself
I'm ready to get a beating again!
5 days a week, Why me?
I get beat up too bad!
why me?
I just deliver your stinking paper!
Throw rocks at me, shoot your slingshot at me!
Dennis, leave me alone!  Haven't you hurt me enough?
I just deliver your stinkin' paper!
I throw the paper at your face!
Oops, sorry!  Supposed to hit your step, Sir!
You get all red eyed!
Uh-Oh!
Mr. Wilson, I didn't mean to!
Sorry, apology accepted kid!
Have a heart for me,
I'm just a money earnin', losin', can't readin', writin', stinkin' newspaper delivery boy!
I had to deliver one to this house in Chicago!
Watch out, it's booby trapped!
Oh crap!
Kevin's at it again!
No one cares for the paperboy
why should they?
What's the paper say today, Fred?
It says Fred's dead!
How's that?  Fred's me!
Watch out, Fred!
Oh no!  Kevin and Dennis are behind me!
Hahahaha!  He's just a poor paperboy!
Let's give him a beating, a weggie, let's
take all his money, and scram, and his newspapers too and his Mace!
Boy, you're a stupid newspaper delivery boy!
in the news today, Fred the paperboy gets beat down by Kevin McCalister, Dennis the Menace, OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson, and my A.K!
Oh my god, Fred's dead!
Yeah!  And I'm takin' over as the
paperboy for your route!  My name's George!
If you mess with me I'll use my series 4-D Atomizer
like my friend Will did as an MIB!
Oops, nobody's supposed to know!
I'm just a stupid paperboy!
In the news today, George on route 69
was abducted by bug like aliens from the
planet "goatadamzipaleedoodahzipadeeayoolalaee!" We now bring you back to our
regularly scheduled program!

I Drank A Whole Lotta Beer - country music parody

I wrote this in high school as a parody to country music.

I DRANK A WHOLE LOTTA BEER

I drank a whole lotta whiskey,
I drank a whole lotta beer,
I drove my Ford Pick-up truck
while hurdlin' some cattle on me farm!
I drank a whole lotta beer
and gots throwin' in prison!
I told the cops I had to see me baby,
do I gis a phone call?
"No! You killed Wyatt, Shyitt, & Billy!"
I drank a whole lotta whiskey,
so I bet me wife miss me!
I drank a whole lotta whiskey,
I drank a whole lotta beer!

Jail

I robbed a bank,
now I have to pay the price
for a million pounds of rice,
now I can't play with dice,
so I'm gonna go pick a fight,
after that I hide, but I failed!
Now I'm gonna have to go to jail
with no bail!
And that's hail, 'cuz I was caught
and they threw me in a car, a police car!
And it went far to the station,
then it stopped and I broke loose,
and they were chasin' me down!
I was facin' some dogs who were gonna do some
rearrangin'!
I got caught so they shoved me in the police car!
I was cussin' and fussin' at the police men!
Then we got there and they threw me in the pen!
One man said, "Hot!"
I said, "Yes, need a fan!"
Next week I broke out of jail
and I croaked!

Freak (Parody of “Creep” by TLC)

 

Here she comes again, and I'm gone

oh I, oh I, oh I am
oh I, oh I, oh I am
oh I, oh I, oh I am!

(1)The 1st of freakness and I've
been through so many thangs
I got a girl who's not normal looking
but I know she has a nose ring!
I look her in the eyes but all she
tells me is that she's getting an eyelid pierced,
I'll never let her get it pierced though!
I might get a nose ring only
'cuz I need some attention, oh!

(Chorus:)She's a freak, yeah!
Can't scream it-keep it low!
She said her parents can't know!
She's a freak, yeah!
'Cuz she doesn't know
what to do to get real attention
it goes to show to not be a freak!

(2)The 2nd of freakness
and we don't talk to each other anymore!
Now I feel pretty good!
Now to get a real girl who feels the same as me!
Yeah, yeah!
I'll give her lovin' till the day she get's a tongue ring
she'll never do that when she finds out
I won't care for it!

(Chorus)

(3)I think about us, baby, all the time,
but you know I can't stand nose rings!
I love you forever, baby!
And you gotta know, I don't stand those things!

(Chorus)

(4)You're a freak around me
'cuz I hate it!
Don't mess around with me!

(Chorus)

MR. GREEN

(note: this is a funny one I wrote about an assistant principal at the high school I graduated from. He wasn’t very well liked.)

My name is Mr. Green!

I'm a piece of shit!

I like to keep kids totally out of the halls!

I hate kids!

On a rainy, snowy, or cold

day I leave 'em all outside!

Let 'em freeze!

It's not me!

You may call me

blue, red, white, black,

but I'm not any of that!

I'm the shit out of your ass

down the toilet!

I'm Mr. Green!

KEY OF ART

(note: this is a funny one I wrote in art class. I know it don’t make any sense, but hey, nobody’s perfect!)

The tardy bell rang

Time to sit down on my ass

Because the class is about to start,

Oh no, here comes Mr. Bart

In his little toy golf cart!

He must've got back from Wal-Mart!

Oh no, I feel something

I have to fart!

Got to dart with beautiful art!

(Hey look it's Mary Hart dating Mr. Gart!)

Look over there!

Mr. Jart!

(What's a lart?)

Let's go to Nart's!

Where's my car parts?

Where's my quart?

Buy me a pop tart!

Hey, it's an ardvart!

(What's that wart?)

Clean up my yart!

I want your zart!