I’m A Gamblin’ Man

 

I like to play poker and
I like to play black jack and
I like to play roulette, man!
I'm a gamblin' man!
I like to play craps,
I like to bet on races,
I like to play 5 card stud, man!
I'm a gamblin' man!

(Bridge:)
I'm a gamblin' man
so I live in Las Vegas,
and Atlantic City!
I'm a gamblin' man,
so I gamble everyday!
I'm a gamblin' man,
so I gamble every night!

I live in Nevada and
I live in New Jersey and
I like to win money, man!
I'm a gamblin' man!
I like to lose cash,
I like to win more cash,
I like to play slot machines, man!
I'm a gamblin' man!

(Bridge)

Prostitutes (parody of “Waterfalls” by TLC)

 

(1)Your girlfriend's goin' out for the night
so you think it's fun to pick up on someone!
If at anytime you do this she'll be
leaving your side!
'Cuz you don't realize that it hurts her so much!
But all the yellin' just ain't helping at all!
'Cuz you can't seem to stop
pickin' up on someone
so you go out and find people on the street
to give money to the fastest way you know how!
Another person getting AIDS!

(Chorus:)Don't go chasing prostitutes!
Please stick to the girlfriends
that you're used to!
I know that you're gonna have it
your way or nothing at all,
but I know you'll get AIDS if you do!

(2)Hugh Grant has a natural obsession
for prostitutes but he just can't see!
That lady gave him lovin' that his body
could handle
but all he could say is, baby, there's a
cop out there!
And next thing he knows, he's put in jail!
Then he doesn't recognize what he did!!
His career is fading & he doesn't know why
11 letters gave him another film,
y'all don't hear me!

(Chorus)

(Spoken:)(M:)Hey, baby, how's it goin'?
(W:)Good.  I'm so horny for you!
(M:)I'm horny for you too!
(W:)Will you take me home with you?
(M:)Sure thing!  Get in my nice car!
(W:)That'll be $100 the 1st hour!
(M:)Fine with me!

(Chorus)

OLD FORD PINTO

 

(1)
I've got an Old Ford Pinto that's painted in gold.
I've got an Old Ford Pinto because I'm poor!
It's the crummiest car so it can't go far.

(Bridge1:)
I kicked it the other day and I have to say
"The bumper came off, yes it just popped off!
the bumper came off, yes it just popped off!
the bumper came off, yes it just fell off!"

(2)
I've got an Old Ford Pinto because it's all I could afford!
I've got an Old Ford Pinto because I'm poor!
It's the crappiest car, so it can't drive far!
I kicked it the other day
and I have to say,

(Bridge2:)
"The wheel came off, yes it was a bad deal!
The wheel came off, yes it just fell off!"

(3)
I trashed that Old Ford Pinto and I bought a Chevy S10,
and it runs pretty good, just look under the hood
if you could, but I think you should.
and I know you would.
That truck didn't cost a buck, in fact it cost 16000,
in fact it weighs 3 tons, man!
I kicked it the other day, and I have to say,
"Nothing came off!  Yes it's the best truck!
Nothing came off!  Yes it's a good truck!"
Ford Pinto's suck!  Yes they do!
You're a fool if you buy one!
I kicked it, oh yes it fell apart!
Oh yeah, I kicked it, it came apart!

(I LIVE IN A) 2 STORIED CARDBOARD BOX

(note: this is another joke I wrote)

 

One day I passed an old shack
with a sign in front of it saying
"Shack Records, record all you want for a buck."
So I decided to go on in
and try out my crappy sound.
So I went on in, put on the fallin' apart headphones
and I came up with this song.

(verse:)
All I could afford is a buck
so I can't even buy a duck
unless it's rubber!
I have a job on the street,
and my feet have no shoes!
Every time I'm finished on the
street, I go home to a

(chorus:)
2 story cardboard box!
Yes, I live in a 2 storied cardboard box!

(verse:)
It's wallpaper is toilet paper,
it's skylight is a little piece of glass,
it's front door is a door I ripped off that Ford Pinto
that rammed into my 2 story cardboard box
just the other day!

(Chorus)

(verse:)
I drive a store cart
with a cardboard sign on it that says,
"This is a Ferarri, don't touch it!"
Every day I drive it home
to my 2 story cardboard box!
(Chorus)

(verse:)
Now the 1st story is
when you're sitting down
the 2nd is when you're standing in my little
2 story cardboard box
decorated in toilet paper
with the store cart parked in the
collapsable garage, to drive later,
oh yes!

(Chorus)

So don't feel sorry for me
let me do it myself!

(Chorus)

(A DAY IN THE LIFE) OF A PICKED ON KID

 

(note: this is another joke I wrote.  I wrote it during my days I used to work at Harp’s)

At 6 my clock goes off!
I wake up, take a bath, get dressed
and nothing else!
I sit around staring out the window
for the next hour!
I'd then walk to school with 5 bags!
1 named George, 'nother named Bob, 3rd named Fred, 4th named Billy, 5th named Drop Dead Fred!
I got to school!
I hear people laughing at me behind my back!
I don't care!
I'm such a dwork,
People pick on me!
At 6 I go to work,
you know who I am, who are you?
I'm a courtesy clerk, you know that!
So you purposely make a mess & I'd have to clean it!
I'm busy dang it!
I'm tryin' to stock bread
leave me alone!
You just take all the carts to make me mad
now I'll have to bust you!
No punks allowed in this store!
you piss all over both the bathrooms, so guess what I do now?
I have to clean the bathrooms!
QUIT PICKING ON ME!
I suck at everything
YOU HATE ME!
I make you mad purposely because
YOU CAN'T STAND ME!
I'm movin' to a different town man,
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND ME!

NEWSPAPER DELIVERY BOY

 

Woke up in the mornin' at 3, sayin' to myself
I'm ready to get a beating again!
5 days a week, Why me?
I get beat up too bad!
why me?
I just deliver your stinking paper!
Throw rocks at me, shoot your slingshot at me!
Dennis, leave me alone!  Haven't you hurt me enough?
I just deliver your stinkin' paper!
I throw the paper at your face!
Oops, sorry!  Supposed to hit your step, Sir!
You get all red eyed!
Uh-Oh!
Mr. Wilson, I didn't mean to!
Sorry, apology accepted kid!
Have a heart for me,
I'm just a money earnin', losin', can't readin', writin', stinkin' newspaper delivery boy!
I had to deliver one to this house in Chicago!
Watch out, it's booby trapped!
Oh crap!
Kevin's at it again!
No one cares for the paperboy
why should they?
What's the paper say today, Fred?
It says Fred's dead!
How's that?  Fred's me!
Watch out, Fred!
Oh no!  Kevin and Dennis are behind me!
Hahahaha!  He's just a poor paperboy!
Let's give him a beating, a weggie, let's
take all his money, and scram, and his newspapers too and his Mace!
Boy, you're a stupid newspaper delivery boy!
in the news today, Fred the paperboy gets beat down by Kevin McCalister, Dennis the Menace, OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson, and my A.K!
Oh my god, Fred's dead!
Yeah!  And I'm takin' over as the
paperboy for your route!  My name's George!
If you mess with me I'll use my series 4-D Atomizer
like my friend Will did as an MIB!
Oops, nobody's supposed to know!
I'm just a stupid paperboy!
In the news today, George on route 69
was abducted by bug like aliens from the
planet "goatadamzipaleedoodahzipadeeayoolalaee!" We now bring you back to our
regularly scheduled program!

Ask You Out

Girl, why can I not do this?
(Ask you out?)
Girl, why can I not do it?
(Ask you out?)

(verse:)
I want to ask you out but I just can't do it
Why can't I ever go through with it?
I want to but I just can't do it
I like you a lot, what's wrong with this?

(chorus:)
I want to
(Ask you out)
But I just can't
(Ask you out)
Why can't I
(Ask you out)
Oh, why can't I
(Ask you out)

(verse:)
Is it because I'm afraid of rejection?
(I guess so)
Is it because I don't want to hear you say no?
(I think so)
Is it because I'm the extremely shy type?
(I think so)

(chorus)

The 60s - poem

I’m a fan of 1960s pop culture and history.  Here is a poem I wrote about the 1960s.

THE 60s

The 60s changed the world,
The 60s changed the society,
The 60s changed the music,
The 60s changed the politicians,
The 60s changed the musicians,
The 60s changed our minds,
The 60s changed thoughts of war,
The 60s changed the art,
The 60s created the hippies,
The 60s created the peace sign,
The 60s created the Beatles,
The 60s killed John F. Kennedy and his brother (RFK),
The 60s killed Martin Luther King,
The 60s killed Malcolm X!
What happened in Berkeley in the 60s?
What happened in Chicago in the 60s?
What happened in Mississippi and Alabama in the 60s?
What happened in Washington in the 60s?
What happened in Dallas in the 60s?
What happened in Woodstock in the 60s?
What happened in the 60s?
What went on during the 60s?
The 60s changed it all!

I Drank A Whole Lotta Beer - country music parody

I wrote this in high school as a parody to country music.

I DRANK A WHOLE LOTTA BEER

I drank a whole lotta whiskey,
I drank a whole lotta beer,
I drove my Ford Pick-up truck
while hurdlin' some cattle on me farm!
I drank a whole lotta beer
and gots throwin' in prison!
I told the cops I had to see me baby,
do I gis a phone call?
"No! You killed Wyatt, Shyitt, & Billy!"
I drank a whole lotta whiskey,
so I bet me wife miss me!
I drank a whole lotta whiskey,
I drank a whole lotta beer!

Jail

I robbed a bank,
now I have to pay the price
for a million pounds of rice,
now I can't play with dice,
so I'm gonna go pick a fight,
after that I hide, but I failed!
Now I'm gonna have to go to jail
with no bail!
And that's hail, 'cuz I was caught
and they threw me in a car, a police car!
And it went far to the station,
then it stopped and I broke loose,
and they were chasin' me down!
I was facin' some dogs who were gonna do some
rearrangin'!
I got caught so they shoved me in the police car!
I was cussin' and fussin' at the police men!
Then we got there and they threw me in the pen!
One man said, "Hot!"
I said, "Yes, need a fan!"
Next week I broke out of jail
and I croaked!

Freak (Parody of “Creep” by TLC)

 

Here she comes again, and I'm gone

oh I, oh I, oh I am
oh I, oh I, oh I am
oh I, oh I, oh I am!

(1)The 1st of freakness and I've
been through so many thangs
I got a girl who's not normal looking
but I know she has a nose ring!
I look her in the eyes but all she
tells me is that she's getting an eyelid pierced,
I'll never let her get it pierced though!
I might get a nose ring only
'cuz I need some attention, oh!

(Chorus:)She's a freak, yeah!
Can't scream it-keep it low!
She said her parents can't know!
She's a freak, yeah!
'Cuz she doesn't know
what to do to get real attention
it goes to show to not be a freak!

(2)The 2nd of freakness
and we don't talk to each other anymore!
Now I feel pretty good!
Now to get a real girl who feels the same as me!
Yeah, yeah!
I'll give her lovin' till the day she get's a tongue ring
she'll never do that when she finds out
I won't care for it!

(Chorus)

(3)I think about us, baby, all the time,
but you know I can't stand nose rings!
I love you forever, baby!
And you gotta know, I don't stand those things!

(Chorus)

(4)You're a freak around me
'cuz I hate it!
Don't mess around with me!

(Chorus)

DEFINITION OF LOVE

I love a girl with all of my heart,

I put my arm over her shoulder,

I hold hands with her,

I flirt with her,

I don't cheat on her,

I make sure she gets home ok,

I love her,

that's my definition of love!

I like a girl that I know likes me,

I take her out every weekend,

I kiss her when I have to leave,

I spend every day and night with her,

I buy her a flower bouquet everytime we go out,

that's my definition of love!

I love a girl with all my heart,

her name is ,

she likes to do things that I like to do,

I love her a lot and

I know she loves me too.

So I guess

that's my definition of love!

MR. GREEN

(note: this is a funny one I wrote about an assistant principal at the high school I graduated from. He wasn’t very well liked.)

My name is Mr. Green!

I'm a piece of shit!

I like to keep kids totally out of the halls!

I hate kids!

On a rainy, snowy, or cold

day I leave 'em all outside!

Let 'em freeze!

It's not me!

You may call me

blue, red, white, black,

but I'm not any of that!

I'm the shit out of your ass

down the toilet!

I'm Mr. Green!

KEY OF ART

(note: this is a funny one I wrote in art class. I know it don’t make any sense, but hey, nobody’s perfect!)

The tardy bell rang

Time to sit down on my ass

Because the class is about to start,

Oh no, here comes Mr. Bart

In his little toy golf cart!

He must've got back from Wal-Mart!

Oh no, I feel something

I have to fart!

Got to dart with beautiful art!

(Hey look it's Mary Hart dating Mr. Gart!)

Look over there!

Mr. Jart!

(What's a lart?)

Let's go to Nart's!

Where's my car parts?

Where's my quart?

Buy me a pop tart!

Hey, it's an ardvart!

(What's that wart?)

Clean up my yart!

I want your zart!

CCE ends project with trip to northwest Arkansas

As a reward for helping the Crisis Center for Battered Women (CCBW) the CCE classes went on a trip to Fayetteville and Springdale last Thursday.

They left at 7:30 A.M and came back at 8:30 P.M. They went to Springdale High School first to show the CCE classes there the stuff the Northside High School CCE classes had done to put a stop to domestic violence. After that they went to the Jones Center, Bud Walton arena, and then the Crisis Center took them out to eat at the Red Lobster.

Mike commented, "The best part of the whole trip was going to the very top of the bleachers at the Razorback football field." The commercial that first hour CCE made will air sometime in the summer on Channel 5 or channel 40, so be watching. Mike Irvan of first hour CCE wrote the script for it.

If you have the intemet check out their web site at www.ccbw.org, and check out the kids page and e-mail them at www.ccbw.org.

EVERYDAY COURTESY CLERK

(this is a funny one I wrote back when I used to work for Harp’s Marketplace)

I wake up in the morning,

and then I go to school!

In the afternoon I go to work!

I'm a courtesy clerk at Harps!

You would see me stocking some bread

so you'd just come inside the store

and pick up 10 jars of baby food and then accidently drop them!

I get called to clean up the mess!

SCREW YOU!

Because of you, I have to stop to clean your mess!

how's this-"here's the mop and broom, clean up your own damn mess!"

But you won't!

The boss said, "Workers clean the messes up around here!"

So I gis de mop and mop up your mess!

You just stand there and laugh!

I'm Just a courtesy clerk!

Rapper’s Paradise (parody of “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio)

 

(1)As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of rap,
I take a look at my job
& realize there's nothin'
'cause I've been moppin' & sweepin' so long
that even my mama knows I can do more!
But I  ain't never crossed a man that did
contracts yet!!  I may be in the wrong place
you know that's unheard of!
I better watch where I'm seein'
and where I'm cleanin'
or me & my holmies might be lost in life!
I really hate to clean but I gotta do!
As I do, I see myself in the rapper pool, fool!
I'm the kinda G the other holmies wanna be
like on my knees in the night
rappin' prayers in the street light!

(Chorus:)Keep spendin' most our dreams livin' in a rapper's paradise!
Keep dreamin' most our dreams livin' in a rapper's paradise!
Keep rappin' most our raps kinda in a rapper's paradise!
Been spendin' most my dreams livin' in a rapper's paradise!

(2)Look at the situation they got me facin'!
I can't do this anymore!
I was raised by the street so I gotta rap
with the damned hood team!
too much cleanin' washin', watch me, got me
chasin' dreams!
I'm a rappin' kinda fool with rappin' on my mind
got my rap in my hand and the dream in my heart!
I'm a low down rapper,
poor drippin' facta'   
& my holmies is here
so don't put me down right here!
Fool get bang!
Nothin' but a heartbeat away,
I'm livin' life real poor, what can I say?
I'm 18 now, so will I rap before 19?
The way thangs is goin' I don't know!

(Bridge:)Tell me why are we so blind to see
that when we rap it is a good rap!

(Chorus)

(3)Just got myself a contract,
contract just got myself!
Rappin' after rappin'!
Dollah after dollah!
Everybody's dancin' but I can barely
see what's goin' on in the ballroom!
But I don't know it's a dance!
They say I got an album
nobody's gonna listen,
if they can't understand it,
how can they hear me?
I guess they cain't,
I guess they won't,
I guess they deaf,
That's how I know my life is fine good luck, fool!

(Chorus)

(Bridge 2x)

THE HEADLINES

 

(I was inspired to write this after hearing Weird Al’s “Headline News”)

I know a guy who killed his wife and her
friend in 1994.
He did it with a knife and claimed he didn't do it!
I say we boo him!
Don't squeeze the juice out of him, he's a goose.

I know a chick who cut off her husband's dick
because she was sexually harassed!
She cut it off
during his sleep, he didn't get beat!
She stood on her feet, and left!

I know a thing who could sing,
I don't know what it is
because it's screwed up
it tries to look like a girl
and has a bleached face!
He had a case about screwin'
a 13 year old boy!

I know a guy who blew up Oklahoma City,
he lived in Arizona!
He made bombs!
He was quiet as a kid!
He had 2 buddies work with him!
He was in the army!

I know 4 people,
OJ, Lorraina, Michael, and Timothy!
They are big in the headlines!
They love to act crazy,
'cause they are!
They're weird and strange,
that must be the reason why they're in
the headlines!

WEEKLY WORLD NEWS

 

(1)It says Elvis is alive
when he died in 1977!
It says a body that died
with the titanic was found
the way she was when she died!
It says an alien corpse
was found by some astronauts!
It says the world will
be destroyed in 1998!
Yeah right!

(Chorus:)It's the weekly world news!
What a bunch of shit!
It's the weekly world news!
What a bunch of shit!
It's the weekly world news!
What a bunch of shit!

(2)JFK was found alive!
Yeah right!
Nicole's grave is empty!
Yeah right!
Woman gives birth to 50 kids at once!
Yeah right!
Satan seen in clouds!
Yeah right!

(Chorus)

(3)Who believes this shit?
Not me!
Who believes this shit?
the people who don't laugh!
Who believes this shit?
The person reading this!
Who believes this shit?
The person listening to this song!
Who believes this shit?
Obviously you!
Who believes this shit?
Whoever pays for this shit!
Who believes this shit?
I don't give a fuck!
Who believes this shit?
You do, you do, you do, you do, you do,
you do, you do, you do, you do, you do!
Who believes this shit?
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me,
not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!

(Chorus)

What a bunch of shitty ass,
mother fuckin', sons of bitchin',
cock suckin', god-damnin', goin' to
hellin', fuckin' pussy assin', shit!

THE BALLAD OF JOHN DOE

 

(Chorus:)
Who the hell is he?
Who the hell knows who he is?
Who the hell gives a damn?
Who the hell gives a damn?
Who the hell gives a fuck?
Who the the hell cares?

(Verse 1:)
He committed a crime,
Nobody knows his name,
All we know is his face
So all of us calls him
John Doe!

(Chorus)

(Verse 2:)
He's ommitted from land,
Nobody knows his name,
All we know is his life
So we all would call him
John Doe!

(Chorus 2x)