This Is A Milestone

well, 10 years of trying and taking my driving test 3 times, at the age of 29 years, 3 months, and 11 days I finally have gotten my license today!  My mentor told me "well, this is a milestone."  I just thought everyone should know...

Chuck Berry Concert Review

Chuck Berry… Need I say more? The guy had just turned 80 on October 2006, and he still can rock and roll. The man is a legend. An icon! What more can I say? He may be from St. Louis, Missouri, but he has never ever come to Branson, Missouri until this year. February 16 & 17, 2007 were his first ever performances in Branson. It was a very awesome and extremely entertaining show. Not much to really say. The man is absolute genius. See his show, and the article basically writes itself.

Otis Day & The Knights was his opening act. Remember the movie “Animal House” with John Belushi? Will, there's a band that plays in that movie. This was that band (although in the movie the band members were fictional people - Otis Day was the only real person). They came onto the stage at 8:00 and they did an hour show. They did all cover songs, but boy were they good And most of them were done to their style. They covered people from the stones, to the kinks (“Jumpin' Jack Flash”, “Can't Get No Satisfaction”, “You Really Got Me”) - and than would go straight into soul and do “Soul Man” that I know Sam & Dave and The Blues Brothers have made really popular and than would get funky with a cover of Sly & The Family Stone's “Thank You For Letting Me Be Myself Again”. And than go on to do a couple of numbers from the “Animal House” soundtrack. “Shout” and “Shama Lama Ding Dong”. Talk about a mixture of styles of music. It was like watching a Blues Brothers concert, and it might as well be - Otis Day starred in “Animal House” with John Belushi, and John Belushi was one of the Blues Brothers, so there's the connection.

20 minutes or so into their show, they had an American Flag come down onto the stage. Otis Day and the rest of the band, except for one of his guitarists, leaves the stage. His guitarist than starts playing an exact - note for note - copy of Jimi Hendrix's cover of our National Anthem. Now, I'm not much for complete note for note covers, but that guitarist was good! He was more than good, he was great!

On an interesting side note, I have read somewhere that when Hendrix started playing his version of the national anthem, some folks, mainly from the older generation, were cursing him and saying he was putting down the national anthem when he played it that way. And saying it's disrespectful. But I don't care what they think. I think Hendrix did an awesome interpretation of the song. His rendition of our national anthem was the most unique and most creative interpretation I have ever heard, and I love it. Hendrix wasn't being disrespectful when he played his version. He played the anthem much like why people sing it before sports events, but he did it with his own style. It didn't mean he respected the song any less. And to this day, 40 years after he first recorded his rendition of the song, I still respect it and feel it's the best rendition of the song.

Otis Day & The Knights finished their show around 9:10. At about 9:20, Chuck Berry took the stage wearing a Red shiny jacket and no teeth, and of course his famous Gibson ES-355 that you always see him with. He played songs from “School Days” “Sweet Little 16” to “You Never Can Tell”. He also did a blues number “It Hurts Me Too.” He had his son with him, Chuck Berry Jr. who is now 45 years old and has been playing with Chuck for 5 years now.

30 minutes into his show, he has his piano player playing a solo. Chuck Berry decides he would do a solo of his own, so he does this great solo. After playing all these great songs, and only doing his infamous “duck walk” at least twice, he tells the audience, “Now that we're all tuned up, It's time to start the show.” That was when he broke into his classic “Johnny B. Goode” - everyone in the audience stood up, and I swear he did the duck walk more than two times in that performance, he did it about 6 times! It was awesome, too bad I couldn't video any of it. IMHO, that was the best performance out of all of them.

I was actually hoping he would do “My Ding-A-Ling”, his famous novelty song from the 1970s (and according to what I have read somewhere, his only #1 pop-chart hit). In fact, I was anxious for that song - but he didn't play it. However, I did think it was cool at the end of the show he had people from the audience come onto the stage and dance when he did a little boogie jam. He even went offstage (stage-right) and played his guitar, where you couldn't see him (ahh, the amazing powers of technology) during the last performance.

An Introvert Just Looking For Real Love And Acceptance

I don’t understand life. there’s people out there who are able to get what they want and than there are those who just get out of life whatever is given to them.  I just get whatever is given to me, but does it make me successful or happy?  Not
really.  I’m told I can be a negative person and pessimistic – but I don’t think of myself as a negative or pessimistic person at all.  I just can’t handle certain things in life because how my brain works or because of how I was generally treated by others throughout life.

I was harassed from elementary school through my first year in high school.  None of the kids I went to school with bothered getting to know me, I was somehow different so I was the one they chose to harass.  I made a couple friends just so they can turn around and stab me in the back – being friends one day and the next treat me like shit.  I had one friend pass around a rumor at school (a very sick one at that) and the harassment just got worse because of it.  To this day any friends I make I feel I have to screen because of it.  I can’t trust a single soul.  It’s very
hard for me to earn anyone’s trust.  One friend I had for four years thought it would be a great idea to charge my phone and debit card up $1200!  Another person, who I didn’t really know, tried to be my friend after breaking into my
apartment and stealing about $1000 worth of stuff I had!  One day after work, when I used to work for Wal-Mart, I had 4 people over for a little get together – one of them left with 3 of my CDs.  So it’s hard for me to trust anyone.  When I was growing up, the harassment got so bad that when I got off the school bus I literally ran from the bus to my house.  While all the other kids hung out in their little groups I was the one left out of everything, all because of all the harassment.

My dad wasn’t any help either.  Always giving me this “if I can do it, so can
you” attitude – I’m sorry, but just because one person can doesn’t mean others
can too.  Everyone’s brains function differently.  When I was in school, I was
a special ed student and my grades weren’t great, but they were decent – I was
probably a C average, but in the 10^th grade I was taken out of special ed and put in regular ed.  I did fine my 10^th grade year, but in 11^th grade my grades
started falling and I ended up graduated a D average student.  That wasn’t due to any laziness, that was due to me not being able to grasp any of the things being taught to me.  Because of this, after graduation I decided I was through with school, and we live in an era where without any degree you can’t get a job doing what you want you want to do – unless you are in the right place at the right time, so within the last 5 years I thought of going back to school because I hear how different college is compared to high school, but is it really all that different when you still got to take math, English and science for your associate’s degree?

It even took me 6 years until I finally passed my written test for the driver’s learner’s permit – and that was because they made the test very easy to pass.  But here it is, I’m now 29 and I’m still working on getting my driver’s license.  It’d be nice to get a degree in something, but why do I need to bother with math and English courses when those are the things that I never could grasp? And then the money involved to go – I tried to apply for a pell grant one time and all I got was $1000 for one year.  Where is that going to get me? I can apply for a student loan, however after you graduate you got start paying that back – how is that going to be possible when you’re not even guaranteed a job using your degree when you get out of school?

I would ask my dad for help sometimes – whether it was to move to phoenix because I had nothing going for me where I was living at, or when I got brochures in the mail for a school I was interested in, and he would just sit back and laugh at me.  I wouldn’t have asked him for help if I had the necessary money to do things myself.

And because of my harassment issues it’s extremely hard for me to meet anyone.  How am I supposed to meet anyone and make friends or potential wife if I can’t trust nobody or if I’m afraid that they might turn me away and make me feel hurt again?  The internet became a powerful tool for me, because with the internet I was able to approach people I didn’t know with a conversation, and they wouldn’t turn you away because through the internet it’s all about conversation and not how you look or dress.  If it weren’t for the internet, my wife and I
would have never even met.  We met through a friend of hers that I talked to online, and after 4 years of marriage, she wants to call it quits.  She thinks I’m some sort of asshole, when come to think about it I never was truly an asshole towards her – but she thinks I’m one because of the thoughts her mom and friends put into her head, and so now I’m being pushed back on the singles market again and I don’t want to be.  A lot of people seem to think the world of being single, but those people probably partied there ass off and visited friends all the time during their single life, trust me – my single life wasn’t glamourous.  If I wasn’t working I was at home – no friends to go see.  Why did I not have any friends to go see?  Because no one would try to be my friend.  So I would go home every day after work and cry myself to sleep – living by myself, not having a thing to look forward to – just living day to day.  It even got so bad where I had dreams where I slashed myself.  When my wife and I met, I felt like I had something to look forward to finally, and now 4 years later she is about to push me back into that single life where I got to try and meet someone again?  This ain’t right!  It is extremely hard for me to meet anybody because of issues I dealt with in the past.

I don’t want to feel rejected.  And it is best to not look for that new special someone until I’m over my current relationship – however that can be a year, or even worse – forever.  I can’t be left alone.  Not after what I experienced before I met danele.   That period in my life was just horrible, and I can’t go back to that, but since it’s hard for me to meet anybody I never have many friends to even see so of course I’ll be going back to that lifestyle. And yet, danele doesn’t show any care or concern in the world for my well being.  After she called it quits I mentioned that I can’t be alone and her attitude towards it was basically, “so? What do you want me to do about it?” – not in those words, but that’s the attitude she was putting off.  All I can think about are our memories we have – those are my most cherished memories ever, and ever since the break-up was first mentioned about a month ago I’ve been in a state of depression and she treats every thing like it’s all hunky dory.  But I don’t want to be back on the market again – it’s just too damn hard for me to meet anybody.  I can meet a girl I may be interested in, but I would never take the chance or initiative to ask that girl
out because I’m afraid I’ll just get rejected and just hurt again.

Just like taking the initiative in business – you got to apply yourself and sell yourself in order to get a position anywhere in life, yet because of my problems with dealing with people I don’t do so well in this department either.

I see a lot of people in their mid to late 20s and it’s just depressing.  They have their families they support (kids and wife that is) and successful careers, or at least a girlfriend that they spend most of their time with, and I have nothing.  She wants to leave me because of how I am, yet she knew how I was when she got into the marriage.  What was she expecting? That I would turn into an outgoing person or something?  I am an introvert, and I’m not an introvert by choice, I was forced into being an introvert by the things I dealt with in life.

I’m sick of life’s unfairness.  When will it be my turn?   When will it finally be my turn to be happy? When will it be my turn to feel successful?  Some people will tell me I have to take some initiative in life to be successful and happy but how can I take any kind of initiative when I feel like I’m just going to get hurt again in the process?  I try not to think about it, but than I remember things I dealt with in the past and than I back out of situations.

I am 29 years old.  I am sick and tired of waiting for good things to happen.  Good things happen to those who wait – but how long do I have to wait?  How long do I have to wait until I feel like I am truly happy?  How long do I have to wait until I meet that right girl who truthfully accepts me for me? With the obvious problems I have and all?  Danele obviously didn’t accept me for me, which is kind of shitty on her part because she made a promise to me on our wedding day to stick by my side no matter what – you know that whole ‘through sickness and in health’ talk. Yet, she obviously didn’t accept me for me if she wants to call it quits.

I don’t think I’d be the negative person that I am if life dealt me different cards than the ones that were dealt me.  There’s some people I see or meet and I think
to myself, “I would die to have their life.”

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I’m sick of waiting for true happiness to
come along.  Every time I think I see true happiness I was lied to because a couple years later it’s gone.  Whether it be by a friend who steals from me
or a girl who marries me, and promises to be by my side always just to break my
heart a few years later.

I even realized I needed to start going to church again, so I put in to come into work at a later time on Sundays, but they are still scheduling me to come in in the morning on Sundays, how can I even try to make an effort to meet somebody new if I have to work?

I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore.  When will God finally allow me to be happy and quit giving me these burdens that I wouldn’t even wish on my
worst enemies?

These Eyes - lyrics

One of my favorite songs by the 1960s group The Guess Who is “These Eyes.”  Here are the lyrics to it.  Enjoy!

(as performed by The Guess Who)

these eyes, cry every night for you
these arms, long to hold you, again
the hurting's on me yea
but I will never be free, oh my baby no no

you gave a promise to me, yea
and you broke it, you broke it, oh oh

these eyes, watched you bring my world to an end
this heart, could not accept and pretend

the hurtin's on me yea
but I will never be free, no no no
you took the vow with me yea
you spoke it, you spoke it
babe

these eyes, are cryin'
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you
these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes,
cry every night for you
these arms,
these arms want to hold you, hold you again

these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes, are crying
These eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you
these eyes, are crying
these eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you
baby baby baby

Other Fish In The Sea

They say that there are other fish in the sea, yet for some (such as myself) that isn't entirely accurate.  I mean, there is - but it's just a matter of finding the right girl you want to be with and getting up the courage to ask her out.  I know what you're thinking "Gee, I could get any girl in the world." - but the thing is, not everyone can.  I'm a loner.  Rejection is my biggest fear and my biggest weakness.  It goes back to how I was treated while growing up and how I wasn't really accepted, and I still, to this day, don't feel truly accepted.  I know not every one will like you or respect you, and I don't expect to be accepted by everyone, but when you go every day getting laughed at because of your flaws - whether it's how you laugh or how you dress, or something else what's a person to think?

There was a girl in high school I liked, but I never took the chance to ask her out because I was afraid she would say no.  Because of my fear and weakness the internet became a powerful tool for me because you can talk to people online and they won't gain "don't like you" attitude towards you right away because they can't "see" you or "hear" you than, they just go by the words you say to decide if they like you or not.  but in the real world it's all about how you sound and look, and if you're not appeasing to them, they won't like you.  if it weren't for the internet, me and my soon-to-be ex-wife would never have even met, and after 5 years of being together she wants to call it quits.  well, she knew about my problems and me being a loner when she came into the marriage - so what was she expecting?  it's a shame really.  It's a shame that someone who claims they love you and made a promise to be by your side no matter what when they get married can claim that they have fallen out of love with that somebody.   She now says "she loves me, and will always love me but isn't in love with me and there's a difference."  The way I look at it, if you're not in love with me anymore than you don't even love me anymore.  I'm not going to tell my friends I love them.  That creates such an awkward moment.  I'll tell my parents I love them though, but other than that if I'm not in love with you, why would I tell you I love you? I got my problems.  We all have problems, we're only human.  I tend to have more problems than others it seems like, though. 

Yes, there are other fish in the sea but it's just a matter of meeting the right one and getting up the courage to ask them out, but knowing my luck that isn't going to happen.

What Is To Blame - lyrics

Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote sometime after my ex-wife and I called it quits.  I hope you enjoy it.

WHAT IS TO BLAME

Please don’t go and leave me.
If you do, I’ll just be so lonely.
If you do, I don’t know how my life would be.
When I see you, my life is full of glee.
When I’m with you my burdens are gone and I’m finally free.

I may have problems, this I do agree
But I can’t help but have them, you see
Some things in life you just can’t get over
Seems like I keep seeing my past reflection as I get older
Yes, I’m a loner – but this I can not help,
It all goes back to when I was younger – when I was never
ac-cep-ted
But when I see you, I no longer feel as down and blue

Girl, why do you feel you gotta leave?
Why do you gotta go and leave me so lonely?
I’m so in love with you, and now I’m losing you, and I don’t
know what to do
There’s no one I want in my life besides you.

Yes, I have my problems
But it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be loved the same.
Girl, you’re my eternal loving flame
And you want to leave me, now that’s a shame.

What is to blame?