I don’t understand life. there’s people out there who are able to get what they want and than there are those who just get out of life whatever is given to them. I just get whatever is given to me, but does it make me successful or happy? Not
really. I’m told I can be a negative person and pessimistic – but I don’t think of myself as a negative or pessimistic person at all. I just can’t handle certain things in life because how my brain works or because of how I was generally treated by others throughout life.
I was harassed from elementary school through my first year in high school. None of the kids I went to school with bothered getting to know me, I was somehow different so I was the one they chose to harass. I made a couple friends just so they can turn around and stab me in the back – being friends one day and the next treat me like shit. I had one friend pass around a rumor at school (a very sick one at that) and the harassment just got worse because of it. To this day any friends I make I feel I have to screen because of it. I can’t trust a single soul. It’s very
hard for me to earn anyone’s trust. One friend I had for four years thought it would be a great idea to charge my phone and debit card up $1200! Another person, who I didn’t really know, tried to be my friend after breaking into my
apartment and stealing about $1000 worth of stuff I had! One day after work, when I used to work for Wal-Mart, I had 4 people over for a little get together – one of them left with 3 of my CDs. So it’s hard for me to trust anyone. When I was growing up, the harassment got so bad that when I got off the school bus I literally ran from the bus to my house. While all the other kids hung out in their little groups I was the one left out of everything, all because of all the harassment.
My dad wasn’t any help either. Always giving me this “if I can do it, so can
you” attitude – I’m sorry, but just because one person can doesn’t mean others
can too. Everyone’s brains function differently. When I was in school, I was
a special ed student and my grades weren’t great, but they were decent – I was
probably a C average, but in the 10th grade I was taken out of special ed and put in regular ed. I did fine my 10th grade year, but in 11th grade my grades
started falling and I ended up graduated a D average student. That wasn’t due to any laziness, that was due to me not being able to grasp any of the things being taught to me. Because of this, after graduation I decided I was through with school, and we live in an era where without any degree you can’t get a job doing what you want you want to do – unless you are in the right place at the right time, so within the last 5 years I thought of going back to school because I hear how different college is compared to high school, but is it really all that different when you still got to take math, English and science for your associate’s degree?
It even took me 6 years until I finally passed my written test for the driver’s learner’s permit – and that was because they made the test very easy to pass. But here it is, I’m now 29 and I’m still working on getting my driver’s license. It’d be nice to get a degree in something, but why do I need to bother with math and English courses when those are the things that I never could grasp? And then the money involved to go – I tried to apply for a pell grant one time and all I got was $1000 for one year. Where is that going to get me? I can apply for a student loan, however after you graduate you got start paying that back – how is that going to be possible when you’re not even guaranteed a job using your degree when you get out of school?
I would ask my dad for help sometimes – whether it was to move to phoenix because I had nothing going for me where I was living at, or when I got brochures in the mail for a school I was interested in, and he would just sit back and laugh at me. I wouldn’t have asked him for help if I had the necessary money to do things myself.
And because of my harassment issues it’s extremely hard for me to meet anyone. How am I supposed to meet anyone and make friends or potential wife if I can’t trust nobody or if I’m afraid that they might turn me away and make me feel hurt again? The internet became a powerful tool for me, because with the internet I was able to approach people I didn’t know with a conversation, and they wouldn’t turn you away because through the internet it’s all about conversation and not how you look or dress. If it weren’t for the internet, my wife and I
would have never even met. We met through a friend of hers that I talked to online, and after 4 years of marriage, she wants to call it quits. She thinks I’m some sort of asshole, when come to think about it I never was truly an asshole towards her – but she thinks I’m one because of the thoughts her mom and friends put into her head, and so now I’m being pushed back on the singles market again and I don’t want to be. A lot of people seem to think the world of being single, but those people probably partied there ass off and visited friends all the time during their single life, trust me – my single life wasn’t glamourous. If I wasn’t working I was at home – no friends to go see. Why did I not have any friends to go see? Because no one would try to be my friend. So I would go home every day after work and cry myself to sleep – living by myself, not having a thing to look forward to – just living day to day. It even got so bad where I had dreams where I slashed myself. When my wife and I met, I felt like I had something to look forward to finally, and now 4 years later she is about to push me back into that single life where I got to try and meet someone again? This ain’t right! It is extremely hard for me to meet anybody because of issues I dealt with in the past.
I don’t want to feel rejected. And it is best to not look for that new special someone until I’m over my current relationship – however that can be a year, or even worse – forever. I can’t be left alone. Not after what I experienced before I met danele. That period in my life was just horrible, and I can’t go back to that, but since it’s hard for me to meet anybody I never have many friends to even see so of course I’ll be going back to that lifestyle. And yet, danele doesn’t show any care or concern in the world for my well being. After she called it quits I mentioned that I can’t be alone and her attitude towards it was basically, “so? What do you want me to do about it?” – not in those words, but that’s the attitude she was putting off. All I can think about are our memories we have – those are my most cherished memories ever, and ever since the break-up was first mentioned about a month ago I’ve been in a state of depression and she treats every thing like it’s all hunky dory. But I don’t want to be back on the market again – it’s just too damn hard for me to meet anybody. I can meet a girl I may be interested in, but I would never take the chance or initiative to ask that girl
out because I’m afraid I’ll just get rejected and just hurt again.
Just like taking the initiative in business – you got to apply yourself and sell yourself in order to get a position anywhere in life, yet because of my problems with dealing with people I don’t do so well in this department either.
I see a lot of people in their mid to late 20s and it’s just depressing. They have their families they support (kids and wife that is) and successful careers, or at least a girlfriend that they spend most of their time with, and I have nothing. She wants to leave me because of how I am, yet she knew how I was when she got into the marriage. What was she expecting? That I would turn into an outgoing person or something? I am an introvert, and I’m not an introvert by choice, I was forced into being an introvert by the things I dealt with in life.
I’m sick of life’s unfairness. When will it be my turn? When will it finally be my turn to be happy? When will it be my turn to feel successful? Some people will tell me I have to take some initiative in life to be successful and happy but how can I take any kind of initiative when I feel like I’m just going to get hurt again in the process? I try not to think about it, but than I remember things I dealt with in the past and than I back out of situations.
I am 29 years old. I am sick and tired of waiting for good things to happen. Good things happen to those who wait – but how long do I have to wait? How long do I have to wait until I feel like I am truly happy? How long do I have to wait until I meet that right girl who truthfully accepts me for me? With the obvious problems I have and all? Danele obviously didn’t accept me for me, which is kind of shitty on her part because she made a promise to me on our wedding day to stick by my side no matter what – you know that whole ‘through sickness and in health’ talk. Yet, she obviously didn’t accept me for me if she wants to call it quits.
I don’t think I’d be the negative person that I am if life dealt me different cards than the ones that were dealt me. There’s some people I see or meet and I think
to myself, “I would die to have their life.”
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sick of waiting for true happiness to
come along. Every time I think I see true happiness I was lied to because a couple years later it’s gone. Whether it be by a friend who steals from me
or a girl who marries me, and promises to be by my side always just to break my
heart a few years later.
I even realized I needed to start going to church again, so I put in to come into work at a later time on Sundays, but they are still scheduling me to come in in the morning on Sundays, how can I even try to make an effort to meet somebody new if I have to work?
I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore. When will God finally allow me to be happy and quit giving me these burdens that I wouldn’t even wish on my
worst enemies?
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